If you haven't seen my Facebook posts, my mama passed away on August 21st after suffering a heart attack two weeks ago today.
I feel so lost.
She drove me absolutely crazy sometimes like I think most moms do to their children but she was also my best friend that I could share anything with.
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| My mama, our dog, and me holding onto my baby sister |
But here I am.....trying to find a new normal. Some days have been ok. Then there are some days where I go to pick up the phone, and I realize I can't call her to tell her what I was thinking or hear what she was thinking. Or I hear a song she used to love and I just lose it.
I have went through a period where I was barely eating to now wanting to eat everything in sight. So while I'm coping with losing her, I need to move forward as well, no matter if I want to or not. She was so proud of me being in magazines and on TV, she told me she was famous too since I came from her :) I still want to make her proud. I refuse to gain what I lost back, I will graduate college, and I will be there for my family.
Here I am, yet again, recommitting to my health. It seems like I've been starting over so much lately. At least I'm starting to care again. The past 2 weeks I could have given two shits less about myself. My first day of school was the day before she passed away and with that and pulling everything together for a memorial service, taking care of the kids.......I've just been functioning.
But as much as I feel like a hole is in my heart, I must keep going.
So I'm going to keep it simple with food, I'm not going to stress about my next half marathon and if I can run it (I'll crawl the damn thing if I have to).....I'm going to try to find the joy in every day again. It drove my mom crazy that I was so positive but I think she secretly loved it too.
For some reason this saying keeps running through my mind and I'm not sure if it's my mom putting it there or what but I will take it <3
Oh and I apologize if this blog sounded like it makes no sense so please bear with me while I go through my grief. Writing has always helped me cope with life.
I'll post my dinner menu and simplified plan of action either tonight or tomorrow. Keep me accountable ok? :)